One Word Description of Depression: Mine is A Deceiver
I once conducted a little survey about depression, asking people (on my instagram story) to give me one word to describe their idea of depression. The answers weren’t that surprising after all; I got silence, waves, loneliness, incapability of feeling grateful, and so on.
I think about depression, a lot. I started to think about it after I started to be able to get away from it. It is a common knowledge that people will have a greater concern when it comes to something they have experienced themselves. I have learned, throughout several chapters of depression in my book of life, that human is desperate for a companion. Having the idea of sharing the same pain, the same burden, and even the same emptiness can gives us a surge of relief. Neil Hilborn once said,
Whatever you’re feeling right now there is a mathematical certainty that someone else is feeling that exact thing. This is not to say you’re not special, this is to say thank god you aren’t special.
With this story I would like to give that sense of relief, and furthermore,
I would love to trigger an open discussion about the idea of depression.
A lot of people have indeed tried to convey the idea through art. Just like what Andrew Solomon had said that half of the purpose of art is to describe such iconic states, but I feel like it’s a little bit sad that half of their meaning is being left misunderstood. So here I am, trying to convey the idea of depression through a more simplistic way, which is, a one word description.
Before I jump toward my own understanding, I would love to share several point of views that I fall in love with to give you a wider perspective upon this matter. Sabrina Benaim explained, in her poetry, that depression is a shape shifter. “One day it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear. The next it’s the bear.” She tried to picture depression as something unpredictable, something that keeps on changing. In her poetry, we can see that she’s desperately trying to make her mother understand about her depression. She had used every metaphor in her library in attempt to convey the massage toward her mother, but in the end, in the verge of breaking down, she finally able to admit to herself that she can neither understood her depression. Andrew Solomon shared, in his Ted Talk that many people think of depression as being just sadness but he believes otherwise.
Depression is anything but that because it’s much, too much sadness, much too much grief, at far too slight a cause.
I believe that mental illness, in general, is a unique uninvited guest inside of everyone with that condition. I know they might share quite similar personalities but none seems to be an exact copy of the other. That is why it isn’t an unfamiliar thing to mention depression with a possession.
My depression is a deceiver.
I still remember staying in my bed for hours, not doing anything. I remember pretending to go to the bathroom just to sit there looking blankly toward the shower head for far too long my mother started to yell at me. I remember writing about nothing and everything because my feelings were too overwhelming yet all I could feel is void inside of my soul. I remember — I remember trying to remember why I felt so hollow, so hopeless, so lost.
My depression is a deceiver because I know it’s ridiculous when I experienced it and yet I was nonetheless in its grip and I was unable to figure out anyway around it. I have to agree with what Solomon has said that my depression has taught me how big an emotion can be, how it can be more real than facts. In my depression I was too focus on my void, I was too focus on all the feelings,
I was too focus on falling deep into the dark that I voluntarily stayed there.
Depression can be quite of a tricky master. It has a way to make me feel comfortable in it. Depression can deceive you into thinking that it’s the only guest you would be able to welcome in your party. Worse, depression can deceive you into not thinking at all.
I started to take a step toward the opposite direction of depression after I downloaded an app called 7cups. It is an app to talk and also to listen.
Many people believe that most of depressed people need ears to listen to them, but I believe otherwise.
In my experience, I need to listen to other people. It is easier to catch a deceiver when you are not the one being targeted. It is easier to spot depression when you look from outside of the house. It is easier to understand depression when you are just another guest to invite. In the depth of my darkness, I had all the trouble seeing the truth. I feel like there’s no way out, no solvency, nothing. But when I gave my full ears listening to another person, I feel like all the answer is so easy that I get surprised by myself. Everything is so crystal clear; everything is just so easy to swallow.
Well I still think about depression, a lot.
But looking back, I feel like, I started to be able to get away from depression after I started to think.
My depression is a deceiver. So all I did was take a breath and think.
Understand yourself and accept yourself. Understand that there might lay a problem within yourself that you refuse to acknowledge. Be understanding toward yourself and think.
I know it isn’t easy but it is possible.
Disclaimer: My understanding is progressive, thus I would love to exchange ideas with you guys. It is highly encourage for you to share your view in this and to give me your own one word description of depression. I’m willing to discuss anything regarding this matter through my email: putriatsirauthor@gmail.com and through dm on my instagram @putriatsira.
